by Kevin Egan
SAN DIEGO (AP)- After conducting a nationwide survey of numerous factions of Americans, The Center for Demographic Research released startling results today, concluding that left-handed people have been hit hardest by the current recession, more than any other category of Americans.
“It seems that many left-handed people have been the first to be laid off at work,” said Nancy Frightenwood, spokesperson for The Center. “In the blue collar world, most machines are built for right-handed people, which leaves the lefties at a disadvantage. And in the white collar world, it seems that simple things like office supplies can cause trouble for Lefties, slowing down their productivity and contribution to the company as a whole.”
Many left-handed Americans, or “Lefties,” are grateful for the survey and the attention it has brought to their plight. Massive demonstrations are currently being planned in multiple cities across the country, protesting the prejudice that has singled out lefties in these hard economic times. In addition, Thursday, Jaunary 29th, is being dubbed, “National Left-handed Awareness Day,” to help shed some light on this troubling trend.
Samuel Bluck, 53, of Indianapolis, Indiana, one of many left-handed people currently left unemployed by the recession, had recently been let go from his job at the Eddington Scissor Factory, causing “a double wham-y,” as Bluck described his situation, since not only had the machinery that built the scissors been designed for right-handed use, the scissors themselves were made exclusively for right-handed people as well.
“There were times I found it almost impossible to test the scissors to see if they functioned correctly,” Bluck says. “I knew when lay-offs were announced, I’d be the first to go. I could see it in my foreman’s eye.”
Gretta Dench, 41, of San Diego, California, also felt the pinch of the recession when she was relieved of her job with the banking firm of Addison and Flight, a job she had held for over twelve years.
“They told me since the ‘return’ key on my computer was on the right side, it would only make sense that my ability to hit the key when necessary would be slower than others, thereby slowing down the pace in which I work,” Dench stated today at a last minute rally, thrown together quickly after the release of the survey. “So now I’m out of a job. What am I going to do, work at Baskin-Robbins? I can’t. Those ice cream scoopers are made for righties as well.”
Also at the rally was Frank Danza, President of the National Advancement of Left-Handed People (N.A.L.H.P.). Danza insisted the climate is right for lefties to seize the collective eye of the nation and demand equal rights protection under the Constitution.
“The time is now,” shouted Danza to a crowd of lefties. “We must show America that ‘Left is Right!’.”
Local representatives refused to comment on the situation, though left-handed advocates like Danza suspect that some of them might be left-handed as well.
“This is no time to hide in the closet,” said Danza. “Those with the power to change things must utilize it, liberating their people from the oppression.”
Meanwhile, back in Indianpolis, Samuel Bluck stands on the unemployment line, waiting to register. He seems bitter and enraged, though still proud of his people.
“I’ve been saying it for years,” says Bluck. “‘It may be a right-handed person’s world but it would be nothing without us lefties!”