Alaska? I Nearly Killed Her by Kevin Egan

One thing I like to boast about more than anything is the fact that I’ve been to forty-nine of the fifty United States of America.  For a few years, I was only able to boast about conquering the “Lower Forty-Eight” until I finally ventured to Hawaii, where I got sun-poison the very first day I was there and had to spend the following day at the movies, cringing at the comedy wreck that was “Talladega Nights.”  Still, when I returned home, I crossed “The Aloha State” off my list, leaving one state left before I could proudly claim I had been to all fifty. 

 

Two stories over the last couple of months have brought that last state into the spotlight in ways it had never been before.  For the first time in the state’s history, one of their major political figures was chosen to be a Vice-Presidential candidate.  Alongside this “historic” precedent, U.S. Senator, Ted Stevens, also from Alaska, was found guilty on seven felony charges, including accepting gifts from an oil executive.  It’s been quite an eight weeks or so for the state that hasn’t been known for much else besides lingering between Northern Canada and the former Soviet Union. 

 

Sarah Palin, Governor of Alaska and Vice-Presidential candidate, proved herself less informed and less prepared for office than the inarticulate numbskull that has been occupying the White House for the last eight years.  Not only had she once been exorcised of evil demons by a witch doctor, she also failed to ask a simple question about which magazines she reads.  Her “folksy” enthusiasm during the campaign reminded me of a line from The Simpsons, “Your moxie more than makes up for your lack of talent.”  Luckily, Americans from the “Lower Forty-Eight” were bright enough not to fall for her act and sent her back to Juneau packing. 

 

Unfortunately, this past Tuesday proved that the Palin fiasco wasn’t just a one-time mistake.  It looks like, even after his conviction, the citizens of Alaska have actually re-elected Ted Stevens, despite his criminal activities. 

 

What this says about the Alaskan people and whom they vote for is something, we, down here in the Continental United States, as well as Hawaii, should consider before feeling as if this state has truly become a part of the Union.  First they elect a woman who may look like Tina Fey but has the voice and the wit of Mrs. Pool from The Hogan Family.  They then elect someone who is most certainly going to be spending the rest of his life in jail.  Does anyone remember when Washington D.C. actually re-elected Marion Barry after he was convicted of smoking crack?  Same thing.    

 

One can only wonder whether or not the unique changing of the seasons that occurs up there in that corner of North America may have somewhat of a “freezing” effect on the brain, causing all rationality to disappear when entering the voting booth.  Heck, once George W.Bush is out of a job, he may consider Alaska as the next state to claim residence in, in case he ever wants to serve in public office again.  I’m sure the folks up there could easily find it in their hearts to forgive the man for the atrocities he has wreaked on our nation.  He certainly has that “folksiness” thing going for him.  Apparently, that goes a long way in this state that was so easily duped by Palin and Stevens.

 

As far as completing my quest to reach that “fifty state” mark, I’m thinking I may hold off for a while.  I’m not quite sure of what to expect if I ever made the journey.   Sarah Palin frightened the hell out of me.  If there’s more of them like her up there, then I say, “Leave ‘em up there and let’s all remain down here, where common sense has finally regained its rightful place.”